I Hate Seattle
Re-read the title.
As part of Stumptown Footy’s “Beat Seattle” week, the STF crew are publishing posts highlighting and celebrating all the things about the greatest soccer rivalry in American soccer. Today, Alex tells us how he really feels about the team from up north.
It’s rivalry week, and I’m not sure how many of you are hip hop fans, but I’ve been inspired by Kendrick Lamar’s takedown of Drake. So, I thought what better way to pay homage than write about all of the reasons I truly despise Seattle soccer.
“It’s always been about love and hate, now let me say I’m the biggest hater — I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, I hate the way that you dress.”
Literally. It all annoys me, whether it’s the ‘march to the match,’ chants of ‘Seattle Sounders here we go,’ or putrid Mucinex green kits. In fact, I hate everything about your soccer culture. I hate how corporate it is — you’re the Amazon to our Powell’s books. I hate the conductor you trot out for your tacky rendition of the national anthem, and the flames you shoot out of the posts behind your goals whenever your team scores (thankfully that hasn’t happened too often this season!).
We get it — you copy Iceland’s (or Dortmund’s, or Millwall’s, or wherever’s) hand-clap.
I hate that Nico Lodeiro, who spent more time on the ground or whining to refs than he did actually playing the sport, and Ozzie Alonso (remember when his penalty was saved by Jeff Attinella in the 2018 playoffs en-route to the Timbers knocking them out? Lol) are ever even mentioned in the same breath as league legends Diego Valeri and Diego Chara.
I hate having to watch Jordan Morris and Christian Roldan stink up the joint with the men’s national team in tournaments I’d prefer for the team to play well in. Thanks for using two World Cup roster spots on them Gregg, great call. Oh ya, Seattle made me dislike Clint Dempsey too. That sucks!
I hate that they believe they have the best soccer culture in the U.S. while the Seattle Reign (is that still what the name is or has it changed again since I last checked?) are treated like an afterthought by the city and bounced around Washington State. Or how they boast about achieving inflated attendance records because they play in the Seahawks’ stadium. I’m getting nauseous thinking back to NFL lines on that terrible turf in a PLAYOFF game… Coincidentally, I also get nauseous whenever I see the sorry excuse for a tifo Sounders fans unveil up North in these games. You can do better than cellophane, guys.
I hate that we only got to chant “Put your hands up if you’ve won the cup” for one season before Toronto inexplicably blew it at home against them in 2016, and didn’t even show up in 2019. I also hate that they got the easiest path to a CCL title an MLS team ever has to become the first to win it in 2022, and how because of that MLS and their media bend over backwards to blow smoke up their asses.
Having said all that, the Sounders have provided me some joy over the years!
I love whenever the Timbers play them in the playoffs because I know for a fact that those lights are too bright and that pressure is too much for them and their fans. The memories of Darlington Nagbe’s goal in 2013 and Dairon Asprilla dancing after his decisive penalty in 2018 are one’s that I’ll cherish forever.
I’ll never forget watching my first Timbers vs. Sounders match live: Kalif Alshassan’s winner in 2013, or Brian Fernandez’s brace at Lumen in 2019 (well, I *sort of* remember it), and of course the 4-1 thumping at Providence Park last season. And as annoying as it was watching the Sounders wait half a season to complete their CCL celebrations in front of the Timbers, it was equally satisfying watching the boys in green and gold spoil their special day, wasn’t it?
A parachuter? Really?
See, the reason I love this rivalry is because I truly hate Seattle so much. That and because nothing compares to it in this country, no matter how many expansion teams Don Garber wants to add to MLS. It’s everything that’s good about this sport, this region, and the people who live here.
Gut the fish, and in the words of Christine Sinclair and Will Johnson, F*ck Seattle.
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I love the fact that I own a growler that says FIRST IN CASCADIA on it, and no matter what else happens, no one can take that away from us. Does that matter? No, but it's still fun. I grew up in Seattle before moving here, and no matter how much more success they have had than the Timbers, it still, to this day, rankles all my Sounder fan friends that the Timbers got there first.